Week 4, January 2015
Nearly relapsed this week. It was Australia Day on the 26th and someone put up this comedy video on the FB comparing 'Merica and 'Straya Days. Not immediately somewhere you'd expect to find sexy thoughts but wait. The clip opens on the mid-section of a pretty girl in a bikini with Australian and U.S flags on. (Jeez, I'm getting turned-on just thinking about it [over-share?]). Then she turns around and the 'Australian' side of her panties is bunched into her (beautiful) arse-crack. She unceremoniously runs her finger under the hem to pull it out, then lets the elastic snap back against her butt cheeks. There is the slightest booty wobble, then she walks away from the camera and it follows for about ten steps.
(The gag, perpetuated through the rest of the short, is that Americans are lame mommy's boys while Australians are tough crazy mofos who don't give one fuck. [Guess the nationality of its makers] Not that I had any interest, all I cared about was the ass.)
There I was: slap bang (no pun intended) in the dangerzone. It's not porn by any stretch of the imagination but it is me getting hot under the collar about something I'm watching on the internet. And that, friends, is not good. I probably watched this video about five times the first time I saw it and then re-visited it on multiple occasions. I didn't actually fap to it, but I came pretty close. I definitely had several imagi-wanks* over it and watched it way too many times.
* How we used to jerk off before the internet. Using our minds. Imagine that if you can, late-90s-born children.
Eventually, I had to admit to myself that this was not healthy and that I was only a hop, skip and jump away from a major fail. Sad as I was to say goodbye to those exquisite buttocks, I had to ban myself from watching the video. I later found that there is a term for what I was up to. It's called 'edging' and it's the equivalent of an ex-smoker having a couple of drags on a cigarette but pretending they can handle it.
At this point you are effectively standing at the 'edge' of a slippery slope and you're inches away from falling off and sliding down into a giant jizzpit of porn binging. So you've got to stop! You've got to be honest with yourself (this, I realise, is key when facing down an addiction), admit what you're doing and put a stop to it there and then.
It would be so easy to say, 'this isn't porn. I'm not breaking my vow,' but deep-down, you know you're using it in the same way and that you're flirting with disaster. It's made doubly difficult by all the T & A on display all over the FB and the internet in general but you've got to learn to recognise 'triggers' when you see them and give them a wide berth.
In other news, I got a job as a pot-scrubber (Dad so impressed) and found a place to live. The house is over the river through a forest with an icy walk to get to it. It has a woodburner and a cat in it. I am now living the Canadian Dream; snowboarding all day and working a shit job at night. What with starting work in a busy kitchen, snowboarding a lot and getting in late and exhausted, I have not had too much time or energy for thinking about porno, the above-mentioned episode excluded.
I feel like I'm making it. Getting through the Ass Episode made me feel strong. I still know why I'm doing this and every day that passes without porn makes me feel like a better person. I can make it. I believe.
P.S. Still no sex! Feel like I haven't even met a single woman for ages. Been using Tinder way too much and on the FB a lot, too. Potentially these are replacing porn in the procrastination stakes but the town is so small that you only ever get three or four swipes on Tinder before it says 'there's no one new around you.' Probably a blessing in disguise. I am at the point of a no-sex spell where I start to feel like it's never going to happen again.