Tuesday, 10 February 2015


Days 14 through 21

Moved to Canada for a year. Long story but eventually decided I would regret not doing it more than doing it. So I did it. Said goodbye to Kelly (and regular sexytime) and my London house and job and all the things I know and flew to the mountains in Alberta, Canada. Been staying in my buddy's house with limited personal/private space. Obviously ideal conditions for not looking at porn.

Periods of upheaval and change can be a great time to give things up as new circumstances give you a chance to break old habits. I know I sound like some sort of motivational speaker when I talk like this, but habit is probably your biggest enemy when trying to break an addiction. It basically is addiction. Samuel Beckett sums it up thusly: “Habit is the ballast which chains a dog to his vomit.” 

With smoking, the physical addiction lasts something as short as a mere forty-eight hours. After that, all you're fighting is the habit of smoking; the fact that you used to do it after a meal, that you always had one with coffee. It's the routine you're missing not the nicotine. Wow, that almost sounds like a slogan.

My point remains, though. Taking yourself away from the same old streets and the same old bedroom can really help when trying to avoid a porn-binge. Of course, it's not always possible it's just the situation I happen to have found myself in and it sure has worked this week.

There have been stresses. Particularly money and a place to live. In the past, worries like this would have sent me straight to the internet but I am really working to channel my energies into something – anything – else. I am trying to spend more time reading, writing, playing the guitar and watching (non-porno obviously) films.

Interestingly (or not), my enjoyment of films has increased dramatically since I quit PMO. It started with Birdman (which I thought was the phatness) and continued with Interstellar which, for all its flaws, is still a banger. Could be a coincidence, but it could also be that my imagination is undergoing a sort of renaissance now that it's not being drowned in porn every day. Just a thought.

So anyway, they say 'time enjoyed is never wasted' and broadly speaking, I agree. My point about PMO, though, is that the time spent on it is not truly enjoyed. Sure you get your rocks right off but don't try and tell me that as soon as you've come you don't feel like a loser. Closing down the windows of porn (which incidentally now seem disgusting) a wave of shame washes over you and you feel sad and alone.

I'm guessing this is how you feel. It's certainly how I always did. Maybe this is not the case. Maybe you high-five yourself in the mirror, shout 'fuck YEAH!' and slam down your laptop lid like a boss. If that's the case, you're a stronger man than me and, somehow, I'm guessing the former scenario is closer to the truth.

This was one of the biggest factors which pushed me to finally give up: all that wasted time. I'm a writer and a creative. When I think about the (likely) thousands of hours I've spent staring, semi-catatonic, at a computer screen with my hand on my johnson, I almost feel like crying. It doesn't seem a lot at the time; half an hour here, twenty minutes there, but if you add it up over a period of years, suddenly you're looking at a substantial chunk of your life. It definitely adds up to days, probably weeks. Shit it could almost add up to years. And what have you got to show for it? A pile of fetid jizz rags? I once heard someone say, “I can't imagine getting to the end of my life and thinking, 'jeez I wish I'd spent more time looking at internet porn.'”

Imagine at the moment of your death, when your life flashes before your eyes, all you see is your own stupid, mesmerised face, illumined only by your laptop screen, your tongue lolling from your slightly open mouth, your right hand on the mouse, your left furiously pounding your own dick. Is this really how you want to go? It ain't me, babe.

Take it back brothers! Shut your laptop! Go outside! Learn to play the violin! Do anything other than watching vulnerable women (and men) getting dicks jammed into their orifices! Do it for yourself! Do it for the world! #doitforthefluffers!

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