Saturday, 14 February 2015

Cock Blocker

February 2015

Day 40 (midnight)

I think I've been thinking about sex too much. Need to calm down. Part of my goal in giving up porn is to learn to stop constantly objectifying women and seeing them only in terms of their bodies and sex. I need to shift everything including how I think about women and sex not just what I do day-to-day. There's no point giving up porn if I just transfer my lust and sex fixation onto real world women.

Also, if I can change my attitude to sex and grow-up, I have a far better chance of staying away from porn. Need to concentrate on connecting with women (and everyone!), not just trying to elicit sex from them (women, not everyone). Ironically, trying less hard and really paying attention will (hopefully) make me more attractive to women than a desperate sleaze who only wants to jump their bones.

Day 42

Bumped into my mate's ex in the bar at work after I finished my shift. She had been at a dance class with her friends and I sat and had a few drinks with them. Ended up going for more drinks with her and her (attractive, attached) friend and eventually going to a cheesy nightclub in town.

The guys in there were unbelievable. I mean, fair enough, both these girls are pretty hot but all they were doing was trying to have a dance. And, honestly, at any given moment there were upwards of three-five guys trying to dance with/grab them or grind up against them. The girls were totally not into it and I became like the 'eunuch in the harem' trying to 'dance' these guys out of the way. I went for dancing 'big' as this usually works for clearing a nice little space on the dancefloor as people scatter, fearing injury from my flailing limbs.

It was a constant battle! Some of these guys just would not quit! And whenever one or two of them got bored and left, more would take their place. They were like orks. I even had to say to some of them, “Look, she's not interested,” (I'd obviously check with her first [like a gent]) but it made little or no difference, they just kept coming back. At one point, we were surrounded by dudes and they were all pointing at me and talking behind their hands – I thought I was going to get set upon! As if they'd identified me as the ultimate cockblocker and were conspiring to glass me to death or something.

My friend's (attached, remember) friend was doing the whole 'you'll have to be my boyfriend' thing and putting her arm round me and dancing sexy and stuff. I enjoyed the contact, but I could not help feeling that her boyfriend would not have been very impressed. And I've been in situations like this before and dropped myself right in the shit, so much as I wanted to grind right back, I tried to keep it 'legal.'

In the end I was enjoying 'batting' these guys away. I cannot overstate the persistence and shamelessness of their approaches. Of course they were drunk, but honestly it was embarrassing for everyone. I kept thinking of all the times I've been that drunk and desperate (it's a lot, sadly) and how ridiculous I must have looked.

There was this one guy who just 'hovered' about all night. Never speaking or smiling, never really acknowledging us but also never more than five feet away. What did he think was going to happen? That if he wafted about long enough one of the girls would eventually just grab him and kiss his face off? Sadly, I have 'been' this guy in the past and I can tell you this is almost certainly what was going on in his drink-addled mind.

The other thing that struck me was what a pain in the arse it must be just being a woman in a nightclub. I've always looked at it from a positive standpoint. I.e. 'it's so unfair! Women can get sex whenever they want!' Maybe (generally) true, but what if they go out and they don't want sex? Doesn't matter to men (though #notallmen), they will assume that if two girls are out in a club, they must want sex – or they don't care what the women want – and that all they have to do is grab at them until they give in. Not only is it tiresome for the women in this scenario, but the whole male race ends up looking like pathetic, gropey idiots who need to be fought off with a f***ing stick.

Men! We need to do better! I am one of you and I behave like this too! But from the other side, it looks really stupid! Respect yourselves! Respect women! Respect in general! Yeah!

P.s. My mate's ex is also attractive and single. There is clearly a spark between us but she's my mate's (quite recent) ex, so what am I going to do? Nothing is what.

When we left the club, we talked about the crowds of drunk-zombie-men and the girls both said thanks for getting in the way. I said 'no worries' and walked back home. It felt good to be mature.

Day 43

Woke up with a hangover and was feeling super-horny. Couldn't stop thinking about my friend's friend from the night before. Eventually fapped thinking about having a threesome with them both. Sad, but true* Does this undo all the good thoughts from the day before? It doesn't do them any good, I don't think. Here I am talking about respecting women and not thinking of them as sex objects, objectifying the two friends I spent the night before 'protecting' from other men. Quel con!

* Good title for my autobiography?

I still think it's more healthy than looking at porn, though. And this is what fantasies are, right? Fantasies. Made-up thoughts that we never have any intention (or indeed hope) of ever acting out. Does it degrade them if I think about them sexually? I'm not sure. The fantasy was awesome, by the way (over-share?) so that's something, I suppose.

Had to fight a strong PMO urge all morning. As on New Year's Day, I think there is a Pavlovian link in my psyche between hangovers and PMO. Potentially the way for a lot of men: you feel bad and you're frustrated by the unfulfilled lust from the night of drinking, and porn offers you the chance to feel good and work off your excess libido.

Unfortunately, the moment you come, shame and loneliness wash over you (always did for me, anyways) and you feel worse than before you started. Thinking like this enabled me to resist the urge but it was a stronger craving than I've had in a while.

In other news and just to discredit myself further, I have a new method with Tinder. Now I just swipe right on every one and then go through my matches if/when I get them. I know this sounds crass but this is the only way a guy can get any kind of choice. Tinder is a 'women's medium' in that they are much more likely to be able to choose who they match with.* 

* Having said this, women still need to be careful. Although it's easy for them to get matches, it's also easy for them to end up with creeps sending them photos of their cocks at 2am.

Men don't have the 'luxury' of being selective and I think if you spend all your time looking at photos and reading bios and only swiping on the ones you like, you are much less likely to ever get even one match. It's basically an app for casual hook-ups, so there's no point being precious about it is my thinking.

Actually got a few matches from this method including a couple that are not bad-looking. Now have to work on my (frankly embarrassing) chat in order to get a conversation going. I don't get it; in person, (I think) I am lively and funny but when I start emailing all I've got are dad jokes and lame come-ons. Practice practice I guess.

I hope you don't think the above discounts the above-that. I mean everything I say on this blog and my overarching aim is to be honest. You guys are seeing me 'warts and all' so that you can understand where I'm coming from and hopefully come to see (some or all of these) things from my point-of-you. Don't think less of me everybody (assuming you thought anything in the first place)!



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