Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Your Thoughts, Though

Week 5 (days 30-37), February 2015

Started keeping a diary. Moved to new house and decided to start recording thoughts and feelings as often as possible. Thought it might be interesting and would probably help me focus on my goal (being porn-free forever if you missed the title).

So here's a taste of what I writ in my little black book.

Day 30

Found 'NoFap' Reddit thread. ( Seems like a lot of people are trying to cut out everything – alcohol, smoking, porn, masturbation – the whole lot. 'Fapping'* is slang for masturbation, so the guys on this thread are trying not to wank at all, porn or no.

(* Tried to find out what FAP might stand for and found that it is actually a kind of phonetic slang for bashing it. Pretty distasteful if you think about it. If you're having trouble imagining what I'm talking about, listen to the noise in the background of this Buddy Holly track: Have we finally decoded the secret message of the song? Or was there, unbeknown to the band, some guy furiously whacking off in the back of the studio during recording? We may never know, but whatever the case, it certainly adds a much-needed percussive element to the song.)

I have to say that I don't see 'fapping' as the problem. I'm just trying to cut out porn. If I am honest, I think masturbation is a healthy outlet. I'm also of the opinion that using your imagination to fantasize is probably good for you, too.

However, there are definitely some interesting (as well as funny, sad and downright crazy) views on display here and, indeed, the the thread's very existence tells you something about what's in the air.

Day 32

Internet appears to be broken at the new place and owners are away. This has removed any temptation, although cravings have not been very strong. Fapping is now something to get out of the way, like brushing your teeth or cutting your toe nails. Now just a means to an end, not a pursuit in its own right, leaving much more time available to live real life.

Day 33 (4 of no internet)

Still no sex. I went out after work the other night. There were (obviously) girls there and I felt old and out of touch. Could not conceive of talking to any of these women, let alone convincing one of them to have sex with me. I realise have pretty much always felt like this. I only really get with women when I get the chance to speak to them one-on-one or I am emboldened by drink or drugs. Could it be that internet porn has been the crutch which has enabled me never to have to face this fear? Has porn been my longest relationship?

No porn dreams* but other dreams have been intense. Is it that I'm in a new place or that my dopamine levels are returning to normal (or both)? Definitely feeling full of ideas. Not sure if I can credit NoPorn with this, though it must be helping (see previous discussion RE movies).

* Had several dreams over the last month in which PMO occurred. Usually, in the dream, I fap to porn, feel bad but then decide to binge since I've fucked up anyway. The realisation that it was a dream is followed by a huge wave of relief. Had these dreams (still do occasionally) after giving up smoking three years ago. Take it as a generally good sign that I am only acting out in my subconscious and still feel guilty.

Day 34

Played an open mic at a local bar. People (non-performers) think performers and musicians get laid all the time. Well not this one buddy! I must've got laid after gigs (comedy, music and acting) maybe three times in my entire life. This night was no different. There were women there but none of them spoke to me (poor me etc).

I left at around 1am and just down the road see this girl sitting in the snow with no coat on. I ask her what she's doing and she doesn't seem to know. I say I'll help her get back to her hostel and she starts walking the wrong way from town. I suggest we go back to where I just was to use their wifi and find out where she actually lives.

We find that it is in fact in town and I start walking her there. I give her my coat (quel gent). She is Australian and completely wasted. She keeps saying, “Where are we?” and, “It's so cold,” every five minutes making Yours Truly look like the world's biggest date-rapist.

Finally we get back to her hostel, she gives me back my coat and says, “see you guys!” and is gone. “See you guys”?? Jesus, what's the fucking point?

Day 36

Realised I had not fapped for a few days, felt proud of myself then got horny thinking about it and fapped. Still, not the end of the world. Nice to be thinking about other things. Have internet now (turns out the cat had unplugged to router) but no cravings.

On opening my laptop the other day, I realised I get horny in Pavlovian anticipation of PMO just by performing this action. That's how ingrained it becomes in your psyche after fifteen years of addiction!

PS. Still no sex!

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