Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Real Time

We've done it everybody! We've caught up with me! I had to spend a few days indoors not snowboarding (#firstworldprobs) but we are now almost fully up-to-date. From now on, you will be reading my (brilliant, effervescent) thoughts as close to as they occur as is practicable.

What follows are my most recent diary entries plus some other flotsam from my mind hole. Enjoy.

Days 36 – 40, February 2015

Day 37

No. of days without sex: 29. There don't seem to be any single people here. Or if there are, I am not meeting them. Maybe that's how it goes in a small town; If you find someone you like you hold onto them for dear life. Or maybe it's because I am now a colossally old bastard and everyone's getting married. Whatever the case, the result is the same: no sexytime for Wayne.

I feel like the tick in the book Perfume, waiting dormant in the bark of the tree until an animal (woman) comes within striking distance for me to burrow into the skin of (have sex with). This analogy went unintentionally offensive, but I hope you can see where I'm coming from. I hope in the very least, that being this sex-starved will force me to make the most of any opportunity to copulate should it arise. Ever.

Day 38

Been on Tinder WAY to much. As I said before, it has in some ways replaced porn as a procrastination station. Thankfully, the smallness of the town has prevented it from taking over my life as there just aren't that many women out there. Have had one match with a straight-looking Australian and have been half-heartedly chatting. Could meet up but am not bowled over by her and have little enthusiasm. Would probably be a good idea to force myself to go anyway just in case my mojo dissappears for good.

I think either my Tinder profile is extremely poor or I am a complete ug, as I rarely seem to get any matches. Must work on getting better photos.* Granted I could try and go out and speak to women face-to-face (I will one day, promise) but I'm too scared right now, so this will have to do.

* I have seriously considered doing a Tinder 'photoshoot' where I go out with various changes of clothes and get a friend to snap me looking casual yet devastatingly handsome. Out and about, making my (well-dressed, successful) friends laugh, helping lost children and petting cute animals. Or putting all of these into one photo: wearing a dirty vest, fixing a car and holding a baby while my (well-dressed, successful) friends titter in the background at some brilliant witticism I have made.

Day 39

Got 'unmatched' from a girl on Tinder! I didn't even know that was possible! I match with this girl last night. She's 24 and – surprise sur-fucking-prise – Australian. I decide to message her straight off. One of her photos was of her holding a fish she had presumably caught so I said:

Hey J! We done matched with each other. Nice fish!

Perhaps a little off-the-wall (I was going for the quirky/funny angle, obviously) but not exactly offensive, right? Right, guys? Guys?

I look on the Tinder this morning, and she's gone from my list of matches. Did a bit of research and found the 'unmatch' option on another profile. So this, I assume, is what must have happened. I mean, fair enough don't respond but unmatch? Really? I didn't even fancy her that much! I was only being polite! What a total smeghead!

Day 40

Well, that's today and I'm still porn-free. Playing a gig again tonight so there is a chance of meeting an Australian probably. Feeling good about having written so much. Am worrying about the comedy night I plan to put on here in town and that I haven't done enough stand-up recently. But I am not really thinking about porn (apart from writing about it all day, what I mean is not in a sexy/stupid way). So things are good.

I did some serious work on the Tinder profile including managing to get a poncy selfie (shirt on) on there without anyone on the FB finding out. Am currently in the middle of a self-imposed 24-hour ban due to over-use. I was getting one swipe and then the home screen, then checking back every ten minutes. It was getting silly so I've left it and am hoping the selfie will do its work. (Obviously it's devastatingly handsome).

I also read a lot of articles (best one probably this one: http://thoughtcatalog.com/e-m-baecker/2014/02/8-tinder-profile-tips-from-a-woman/) about Tinder and how to use it (i.e. how to get laid). There are loads of pick-up artist types who tell you how to 'score' 5 times a week. To be honest, I'm just trying to get matches, so have been listening to female advice more than male. Apparently a face selfie is ok for a profile pic as prospective matches just want to see your face. Seems fair enough. I can't believe I spent two fucking hours reading about this shit at lunchtime. Something tells me I need to get out more.

Anyway, here's to 40 days without porn. I'm staying strong and loving it. Cheers!

P.S. Skyped with Kelly for an hour at 1am this morning. She looked great. I would have been up for having skex with her but there's no way she'd be into it (I don't think). Was nice to see her face and talk. I think I miss her.

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