Monday, 23 March 2015

A Guide To Mountain Town Dating

81 days porn-free

Mountain towns are not, by their nature, very big. They are really little more than isolated outposts, situated in places that, by virtue of having no interest in mountains and/or skiing, most people have little or no reason to ever go to. This means that, when it comes to 'dating' (and by 'dating' I obviously mean sexytime), your (my) options can be somewhat limited. Here, then, is a guide to finding said sexytime when you live in a place no human really should, and not many actually do.

Option one is to have a girl/boyfriend. This seems to be what most people have gone for as far as I can tell: get hold of someone you fancy and can tolerate, then hold onto them for dear life. Under no circumstances let go of them and make sure that you a. parade them around with you wherever you go, emanating a demeanour that says: 'we're just so in love' and b. tell every interested (or not) party about them in the first five seconds of conversation (you to her: “What's your name?” Her to you: “my boyfriend calls me Kate”).*

* Although this kind of defensive 'boyfriend bombing' can be frustrating, it is much preferred to the one that comes after several flirty days and/or dances/dates. At one time I tried to come up with a formula for how much a girl likes you (me) vs. when she drops the boyfriend bomb. I mean, when she does it straight away, is it because she feels she can't trust herself around you or because she's deeply in love with said boyf (or both)? Have I been thinking about this too much? Probably.

Being new in town (like nobody I know), this option may not be available to you, especially since everyone you ever meet has already gone for it and, in all likelihood, is already blissfully engag√©. You will therefore be left with the unenviable task of finding a mate in the population of the town's singles. But how will you do this? Where do they hang out? What should you say? Well may you wonder. Here then is some solid gold advice from a Master of the Art.*

* Read: loneliest man in western Canada.

Spending most of your days on the mountain, your 'courting' opportunities will likely be limited to evenings/night times. There are some chances for mountain-flirting on chairlifts and whatnot, but there is equal chance that you will spend long days on your own or eventually pull someone who is only gogglehot.*

* An individual with an attractive mouth/jawline who, although hot-looking on the mountain, having removed the titular item of ski faceware, is revealed to be a hideous, mono-browed ug.

Your night of tail-chasing, then, will probably break down something like this:

7 – 9pm – 'Pre-drinking' at your own house. In order to avoid spending too much $$ on primo drinks in a bar, you shotgun tins for two hours at home before heading out. There will either be nobody of the opposite sex present or, if there is, it will be your mate's girl/boyf and/or your Australian housemate. Obviously neither of these are options as one is your mate's bird and the other, although female, is more of a man than you will ever be.

9 – 11 – The Bar(s). This is where your groundwork is done. Hopefully you are meeting a larger group consisting of one or more singles. Here you will be (relatively) sober and may be able pull off some half-decent chat which will potentially pay dividends later. Much drinking will also take place which may or may not improve the quality of said chat.

Pool will also take place in The Bar and men will demonstrate their abundant sexual prowess by expertly firing balls into holes. Is this a metaphor? I don't even know. But men take this pursuit deadly seriously and, for some reason, women seem to pay attention. Pool also has the potential to cause (testosterone/alcohol-fuelled – is there another kind?) fights and for even more flirting during the playing of 'doubles.'*

* During games of mixed doubles, the game is largely forgotten in the place of gaming tips (flirting) and the age-old mating ritual of 'chase me round the table till I'm tired!'

12* – 2 am – The Club. This is where things really hot up. If you have made a 'connection' at the Bar, the Club is where it will all play out. If you have not, you now have two (desperate) hours to find and make said connection before heading home alone like one sad old fuck.

* This when dick'eads who work nights (guess who?) join the race. Usually feeling tired, under-dressed and painfully sober, they will probably smash $3 Jäger Bombs in an effort to catch up, then fall over and cry at about 2:30.

The Club is where the serious drinking takes place and most people start hoofing cocaine like it's going out of fashion. The atmosphere is charged with lust, libido and (male) sexual aggression. The music is utter, unlistenable shite. Men who have made a 'connection' with a single female will fiercely guard her from any other male interaction, 'herding' her round the club like some kind of over-familiar bodyguard.

If you are as yet unaffiliated, your chances are improved by having and offering drugs and/or successfully 'dancing'* with a woman until she lets you kiss her face off. Once shameless making out has occurred, full sexytime is almost definitely on the cards. A full-on make-out is the basic aim of most of the dancefloor/drug-related club activity.

* What I mean by 'dancing' is obviously just grabbing and/or grinding against every woman in the place until one reciprocates/does not immediately register displeasure (see Cock Blocker post for more details). I have never been good at this. Either I am too shy or too awkward, but most of the times I have ever tried it I have been (rightfully) slapped.

2:30 – 3 am – The Street Outside The Club/McDonald's. If you haven't yet 'got lucky,' all is not lost. You still have a chance of getting with someone who was able to evade the hoards of sex-hungry males in The Club and is now standing around smoking on the street outside. There may be a party to go to, you may still have drugs to offer or you might be able to impress them doing ill-advised acrobatics off a park bench. The only problem with 'courting' at this time is that everyone is wasted and therefore taking a woman you have just met home becomes somewhat morally questionable. Is she really in control of her decision-making? Really?*

* Worryingly some guy at work described to me how he goes 'street sweeping' (actual words) at this time of night i.e. essentially 'crawling' the pavements picking up girls who are too wasted to know any better. Is he in fact a rapist? Discuss.

3 am – Taxi Time (or the most dangerous time in the world). This is when to cut and run. If you have 'made it' with a girl or a guy, time to high tail it out of there if you have not already done so. A taxi is the only sensible form of getaway vehicle. If you have a bike or other mode of transport, you better hope it's securely locked, cos you're abandoning that shit till such time as you can retrieve it, in all probability no earlier than tomorrow AM. Thankfully taxis are numerous and cheap, so that's something.

During this phase, all females will gradually leave the scene as they pair off and/or head home with their girlfriends. All that will remain is a crowd of twenty or so wasted, frustrated men looking for a fight. This locale now becomes statistically one of the more dangerous places in North America. If you stick around here, your chances of a black eye and a night in the cells are beyond high.

Although you are secretly hoping something like this ( will happen, your best bet at this point is to accept defeat, cycle home, get in bed and then harvest* Tinder until you fall asleep with the light on. Repeat nightly until you lose all hope.

* Swipe right till you run out of likes.

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