Sunday, 7 June 2015

You Can Have My Private Number

166 days porn-free

I have been having phone sex. Not something I saw coming (no pun intended) or have done before, but it happened this week for damn sure.

I was on the Tinder again (no, I have not deleted it) late at night, for what better time to feed your drunken sexual frustration than 2am? So there I am, flicking right and left, when suddenly I match with this pretty girl. I notice that she's online so I message her right away. And she gets back, right away.

I'm not a hundred percent sure of how, but the sexiness of the chat ramps up rapidly until we're sending each other nearly-naked pictures of ourselves (could this be another case for Dick Selfie?). It's all getting pretty hot when I suggest she come over to my place for some proper sexytime. She says (sensibly) that it's way too late in the day for that. I agree, and then I ask, tentatively, “wanna talk on the phone?” She sends her number. I call it.

Suddenly we're talking in whispers, telling each other of all the filthy shit we'd do if we were in the same bed. If you've never done it, let me tell you, it's pretty weird. But it's also totally hot. You're saying ridiculous crap about jamming your hard cock inside her wet pussy (over-share?) but, still, it's crazy hot.

The only thing that worries me is that my housemate heard this happen. She sleeps across the hall and for some reason sleeps with her door open. I swear sometimes I can hear her roll over. I only hope that, if she did hear, she realised I was talking to someone on the phone, cos otherwise she's not only going to think that I am a pervert (correct?) but that I am batshit insane. What if she thinks I was just looking in the mirror saying, “I'm fucking you balls deep”?

It didn't go on that long, I'll be honest. It was probably one of the more erotic experiences of my life and if you haven't tried talking dirty on the phone, I heartily recommend it. The next time we did it was just as good, if not a little bit more bizzare.

It was 2pm on a Saturday and I'd just woken up (tough night). She gets in contact and says, “call me.” Damn right I will. So I did, and almost immediately I'm asking, “What are you wearing?” (Yes, Wayne the Web Creep is back). And we're right into it. She's moaning down the phone and I’m waxing lyrical about my throbbing member (definite over-share).

But here's the thing. You gotta be inventive. You gotta have some imagination. When someone asks you, “What's the sexiest thing you've done on your own?” you can't just reply, “I once had a wank on the Megabus.” You need to have something sexy to tell them, and you're probably going to have to make it up on the spot. It's kinda fun, but it's also almost worrying some of the shit you (I) come out with.

It also gets – depending on your partner – pretty weird. This girl wanted me to call her a dirty slut and tell her that she was a filthy whore. Generally, I'm against this kind of thing. I don't agree with demeaning women and this kind of abuse was more than a little contribution to my giving up porn. But when you're in the moment, it just happens. You say it. And it's hot.

In a way, it's the fact that it's wrong which makes it more sexy. Obviously, I would only ever keep this in the 'virtual' realm, but in this realm it suddenly becomes ok. I hope you won't judge me for this, friends, and would ask you to please try to understand what it's like in the white-hot heat of the moment.

The next bit, however, was even weirder. She starts asking me how old the youngest girl I've got with is and I'm like, “Fifteen I guess,” before rapidlly adding, “when I was fifteen, obviously.” Then she says, “How young do you want me to be?” And I reply, buzz-killingly, “preferably between 23 and 35.” But she keeps on, “how young do you want me?” And I stupidly ask,
How young do you want to be?” and she says,
Fourteen.” Four-fucking-teen!!? What the actual fuck!? I know from her Tinder profile that she's in her twenties, but for some reason, in this fantasy, she wants to be a child having sex with some filthy old perv (Yours Truly).

The thing is, though, we're right in the middle of it. Am I going to stop and say, “No, that's just wrong,” or am I just going to say, “fuck it. If you really want to be fourteen in this scenario, go for it, but I'm going to keep believing that you're fully legal.” (Which is the truth, I tells ya!) Well, friends, I will leave it to you to guess. Knowing me as you do, though, you'd probably be right to go for the latter.

AND THEN she says, “I want to call you Daddy.” Oh well, in for a penny..

You would be right in thinking that this is fucking weird and that I am a massive pervert for going on with it but you know what they say about not judging someone till you walk a mile in their shoes. Well don't knock it till you've tried it, kids, is all I'm saying.

I do feel a little strange about it. I still have not managed to meet this girl so it's really even weirder that it happened with someone who is a basic stranger. But it was super-hot, and, to be honest, I reckon I would do it again if I had the chance. If I could only find a partner who was a little lighter on the paedo-chat, I think I could probably get hooked.